A Poem I Wrote...feedback please

Progress(poem not a rap)


A quiet child stands off to the side, watching others age and progress
writing down everything he sees throughout a day,nothing less than the truth
rays of sunlight reflect off the world around him,shadows cast him out of the scene
until the one day he met another,as the usual Hollywood story would play out
He gradually fought his way out of the hole he had burrowed all these years
the girl gave him hope,hope;which can be a gift or a curse
lead to smiles,laughs,and joy;but most commonly tears
tears that fall upon this very page with more force than the ink
tears that capture more of my emotion than the most accurate photograph
tears that never progress further than my iris,burning my eyes when I blink
tears that pale in comparison to my innermost thoughts....

I couldn’t really understand it........

shouldnt this be on arts and creativity if you created it?

“Sometimes i feel like a butterfly trapped inside a cocoon
wishing i could spread my wings and fly away”

crys14 wrote: shouldnt this be on arts and creativity if you created it?

it is.

Not Bjarnes wrote:

crys14 wrote: shouldnt this be on arts and creativity if you created it?

it is.

well when i posted it was in the music section so i guess they moved it already. .R.3.A.L.1.T.Y.?

“Sometimes i feel like a butterfly trapped inside a cocoon
wishing i could spread my wings and fly away”

keep on trying..

You rap way better than you write poetry, but thats not to say you should limit yourself to one or the other. Both can coexist and feed of eachother and grow better as a result.

The verses are jilted and confusing, which kills of the efectivness of the story that you are trying to tell, which is a shame really as I feel it could have been much greater than the execution.

Keep on working at it and i’m sure you’ll get it in the end.

Das Wolf wrote: keep on trying..

You rap way better than you write poetry, but thats not to say you should limit yourself to one or the other. Both can coexist and feed of eachother and grow better as a result.

The verses are jilted and confusing, which kills of the efectivness of the story that you are trying to tell, which is a shame really as I feel it could have been much greater than the execution.

Keep on working at it and i’m sure you’ll get it in the end.

Thanks...I’m just trying to get into poetry and expand my taslents a little bit...Plus in poetry,I’m not confined to rhyme or a flow...Thanks for the advice..

It needs to be polished, too many rough edges. I understand you are not confined by rhyme or flow, no one is, but you may want to give this poem some sort of flow since it is not “impact-ful” in it’s current state.

Gay, DRINK! *downs shot glass*

THE KING HAS RETURNED!

Khorib wrote: It needs to be polished, too many rough edges. I understand you are not confined by rhyme or flow, no one is, but you may want to give this poem some sort of flow since it is not “impact-ful” in it’s current state.

Ok,thanks....I didn’t really take time to do it,I just kind of wrote it really quick...In the future though,when I take it more seriously,they’ll definitely be more polished