How is this for a short story draft?

I have little idea why it is here, and even less why it has chosen me specifically for this fate. But I think I realise what it wants me to do, and as I stand atop this building I see it. In the swirling blue and red lights barely distinguishable in the night, and the seemingly impatient voices of those below, I see what it has wanted me to do from the start. And I accept this.

It had only started a few months ago, my life had never been a particularily happy one and after a night of hitting the liqour yet again I fell into stupour and collapsed in the bar. When I awoke I stared into the brilliant white of a hospital rooms ceiling, and I was told that I had suffered a concussion after my head had smacked against the barstool next to me after I lost conciousness and fell.

I was discharged a day later, and the doctor told me to be more careful with myself.

As I began the trek back to my apartment on the opposite side of town from the hospital I noticed something had changed subtly about my surroundings. The buildings and market stalls which were usually bright and vibrant seemed dull and gray, and the people on the street dark and sheltered from me. Looking into one mans eyes I saw for an instant a glint of hatred in them which I had never seen from anyone before.

Visibly shaken I managed my way back to the apartment and flopped myself down on the bed, which seemed harsh and solid as opposed to it’s usual softness. Depressedly I squirmed under the covers and pulled the sheets up to my chin. Sighing I rolled over and stared into two sunken eyes and a maniacle grin.

Screaming I scrambled of the bed and ran for the door, trying desperatley to open it I found it completely immovable. Twisting back towards the figure now sitting on the bed I backed into the corner of the room and shakily studied it. It was as black as a void, complete darkness with a human shape. The only distinguishable feature that could be discern is that evil, jagged toothed grin, and those gleaming red eyes.

“Good Evening." The voice sounded like a metal rake being drawn across concrete, and made me flinch rather visibly, which only made him increase his grin. “Wha- What are you?" I asked, in a small voice. “I suppose, according to your cultures folklore, you could call me a demon, but in all reality I am just one who is bored." It rasped. “So... so what do you want?" I asked defiantly.

“Fun."

It was the last thing I ever heard him say, and now that “fun” has driven me to the top of a building that (with any luck) will, if jumped off, cause fatality. I don’t even want to go into the details of his “fun”, but it had to be the most traumatising thing anyone could ever go through. My waking hours would be filled with never ending sorrow, and my dreams would leave me screaming in my sleep.

I believe that this is what he wanted, and I am willing to satisfy his desire.

Looking back over my shoulder I saw no one there, and with a maniacle grin of my own I stepped over the ledge. But before I felt my entire body go over the side of the fall, I felt myself being grabbed roughly and being pulled back over the side.

Looking over my shoulder I saw that a group of Police Officers had stormed up to the ceiling and grabbed a hold of me, the one in the lead pulled me up and pulled me into a bear hug so I couldn’t struggle back over the side. Staring up into his face, I screamed when I saw the red eyes, and the maniacle grin. Whispering in my ear, he said without a slither of mercy...

“No, no I am not done with you quite yet."

Let me quickly point out, group things a it more, make the paragraphs more chunky. Also, don’t start a sentence with, “And”.

I am, Forever Gone.

“I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds”

Kagrenac wrote: Let me quickly point out, group things a it more, make the paragraphs more chunky. Also, don’t start a sentence with, “And”.

1. Writing style

2. Writing style

3. Hmm. Would “so” suffice?

1. Fair
2. Enough

3. Depends. It’s a high variable that can make or break depending on the sentence beforehand.

Therefore; however; so; anyways; or simply starting off addressing the subject (I).

Sometimes it’s better to just cut the 'And' and keep the rest of the sentence.

I am, Forever Gone.

“I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds”

Better nao Kaggy?

p.s. I am more looking for opinions on the concept.

- Spelling errors, just use the Firefox spellcheck to fix them.

- While it’s good, some sentences could be structured better.

Example,the second paragraph.

It had only started a few months ago, my life had never been a particularily happy one and after a night of hitting the liqour yet again I fell into stupour and collapsed in the bar. When I awoke I stared into the brilliant white of a hospital rooms ceiling, and I was told that I had suffered a concussion after my head had smacked against the barstool next to me after I lost conciousness and fell.

The second sentence could be called 'run along', meaning it’s simply too long. I think it would serve better as...

“When I awoke, I stared up into the brilliant white of a hospital room. I was told I had suffered a concussion after my head had smacked against a nearby barstool."

I am, Forever Gone.

“I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds”

I recently finished 1984, and I never want to see another half-page paragraph again.

Also, it was very nice. :3

Some people just don’t understand the Golden Rule.

Kaggy/Nervy - Yah, bear in mind all the writing was done in 20 minutes on the MvC reply box sooooo not a massive amount of thought was put into it. Maybe I can dress it up a bit and call it a creepypasta.

Red - Thankiez.

Looks cool.

The story line is good. I hope that you will go back during the story to address the atrocities that the demon made him do in order to get to the stage that he wanted to end his life. You could continue the story and then add it in as a side thought later. I think it will capture the audiences attention that way. It was the only thing that I thought of whilst reading the rest.

Yeah