Put poems,stories or any type of literature you have done or been working on.

Chilly man wrote: Bumped so Butterfly and Wolfie can see my poem and critique it (I’m trying to get praise and attention).

lol....but are you going to get it?????

uh? last time i check me’s marisa

^^ yes you are!!! ^^

now confused

^^ I’m fixing the last comment. It should be clear in a minute lol ^^ Sorry for the mix up.

All fixed now. If ya go back and check the message you wont be confused anymore. :P

butterfly wrote: No your not a big old sap, dork or nerd. You is Marisa! You’re a great girl.

lol thank you butterfly!your awsome!

Thank you....... I like to think so!

*panics as her head swells to the size of a watermelon and pops *

j/k I’m not really that full of myself.

^____________^

Chilly man wrote: Amber


My love flies to me on ethereal wings,
'Tis so wonderful to feel the joy that she brings.
Her words pierce my heart like cupid’s quick arrows,
I hear her words in my mind like the song of the sparrows.

I crave her messages, I wait just to hear,
Her words in my puter, so sweet and so dear.
She lightens my heart, she quickens my pulse,
She talks and she laughs and she gives me some luls.

I know what she looks like, her description was clear,
But I know her sweet heart, I have nothing to fear.
I have a big crush on this girl here on-line,
If we never meet it will prolly be fine.

For I have known love now, my heart has been healed,
That hole in my heart has been mended and healed.
I sit here and wait to see her come on,
I’ll sit here all night till mornings sweet dawn.

I’m happy, I’m free, I feel so alive,
I’ve found a good friend, and that ain’t no jive.
So, come to me sweet angel, and bring me some joy,
I love you so much, I’m one happy boy.

Richie

Ok I think you have sweated enough for this response....... lol

The message behind the poem is really nice. There are a few stanzas that are not quite as flowing as the rest but some editing could help fix that. The emotion and message was there though and that is the main requirement.

Keep it up

XD i know he writes totally awsome poems...im jealous!lol ^^

I cant write poems at all so I jelous of everyone :P

^^

butterfly wrote: I cant write poems at all so I jelous of everyone :P

Thx Butterbetter, for the critique and yes, you can write poetry, I’ve seen yours. You just shouldn’t do it when yur drunk. :P

lol

Chilly man wrote:

butterfly wrote: I cant write poems at all so I jelous of everyone :P

Thx Butterbetter, for the critique and yes, you can write poetry, I’ve seen yours. You just shouldn’t do it when yur drunk. :P

what the heck is butterbetter? that is not my name.... gee butterfly has been changed to fly and butter by people on here but now.....?????? whats next??????

butter cup? mybe jk

Chilly man wrote: Bumped so Butterfly and Wolfie can see my poem and critique it (I’m trying to get praise and attention).

Umm let me put this bluntly cause I have a headache and am grumpy, however this in no way changes my critique of you poem merely the delivery of it.

Its crap.

There is a faint beating heart to it somewhere in it withered and abused chest, but only barely.

Its abuse of the english language works against it with too much slang and jolting stanzas.

It flows like a dodgy tap, stop, sputter start, sputter start, sputter stop..ect.

You use abreiviations like puter when computer would have worked just as easily in the line.

ok heres a analysis of your poem, corrections are in bold.

first grouping

you had

My love flies to me on ethereal wings,
'Tis so wonderful to feel the joy that she brings.
Her words pierce my heart like cupid’s quick arrows,
I hear her words in my mind like the song of the sparrows.

I would have had

My love flies to me on eth-e-ral wings,
It’s wonder[b]-ful to feel the joy that she brings.
Her words pierce my heart like cupid’s swift arrow,
Her words, melody like the song of a sparrow.

next line

you had

I crave her messages, I wait just to hear,
Her words in my puter, so sweet and so dear.
She lightens my heart, she quickens my pulse,
She talks and she laughs and she gives me some luls.

I would have had

I long for her message, I wait just to hear,
Her words, my computer, so sweet and so dear.
She lightens my burden, she quickens my heart,
She talks and she laughs how it pains we’re apart


you had

I know what she looks like, her description was clear,
But I know her sweet heart, I have nothing to fear.
I have a big crush on this girl here on-line,
If we never meet it will prolly be fine.

I would have had

her visage haunts my mind, her description was clear,
I know her sweet caring,[b]there is nothing to fear.
Alas she has my heart this girl here on-line,
Regretably we may not meet, yet I wish you were mine

You had

For I have known love now, my heart has been healed,
That hole in my heart has been mended and healed.
I sit here and wait to see her come on,
I’ll sit here all night till mornings sweet dawn.


I would have had

For I have known love now, my heart has been healed,
That hole in my soul has been mended and filled.
I sit here and wait, yern for her to come on,
I’ll sit here all night til the sunkissed sweet dawn.

you had
I’m happy, I’m free, I feel so alive,
I’ve found a good friend, and that ain’t no jive.
So, come to me sweet angel, and bring me some joy,
I love you so much, I’m one happy boy.

I would have had

I’m happy, I’m free, I feel so alive,
I’ve found a good friend, for this I have strived
So, come 'O'sweet angel,wings spread with joy,
I love you so much, you’ve made me one happy boy.





Ok so thats just my interpretation on how I wold have made it better, but in no way makes it a definative version or the right way of doing things, just my ideas and corrections.

Keep on trying dude, don’t reuse the same words so much and read thorugh it again and again for fluidility and conciseness.

keep on truckin dude.

EDIT..SOME OF THE [b][/b] CODE BUGGERED UP..SORRY.

^^ he gets moody when he has a headache and the words can be a little harsh. He has given a good analysis however there were a few words that I wouldn’t have changed myself.

Mar_hinata wrote: butter cup? mybe jk

lol