I am not happy

I am a 35 year old woman and I’M about to write my life story so please please take it in and try to understand it from my point of view. This is all very true.

I grew up in Macclesfield with my Dad and my older brother in a small place overlooking the hilly fields and farms. It was a fun childhood up til when I turned 14...
I found out that my brother was injecting himself with heroin and other harmful substances. I was terrified but I felf I couldn’t tell my Dad because he would go crazy and we’d see his bad violent side which was not good. Him, my brother and I used to be close but my brother had previously suffered from depression which later (when i was 14) I had discovered that it was still going.
My mind was filled with concern and worry, then one day...
I came home and before I could walk in, my brother stormed out passed me with a big massive bag on his back and anger filling his face. He was then shortly followed by my Dad who was not carrying anything. I stood back and helplessly watched them argue.However it was more than just an argue, it was threats, pushing, shouting...etc. Istepped back into the house only to noticew that it was trashed. With great confusion, I glanced back at my Dad and my brother, my Dad was shouting “The house is ruined now, yeah, you see what ya did?! It’s because you are f**cked of your face!!! That’s why!! Am I RIGHT?!!!!"
i could tell my Dad had found out about his addiction and NOW he was on his bad side, the side I had been dreading.
All I remember about what happened next was me running up to my room and slamming the door. I sat on my bed and rocked back and forth, wondering what I was going to do because my brother was obviously going to leave and that was going to leave me with my Dad and I couldn’t deall with the consequences of that...
After about an hour of sitting in my room, I didn’t hear the shouts anymore so I plucked up tjhe courage to leave my room...
I peered down the stairs with great confusion as to why I could hear nothing, I slowly plucked up the courage to walk down th stairs. I did so. The front door was open but there was no-one out there. I heard a noise and spun round but there was nothing there. I was turning round to head back out the front door and the noise came again. I spun round and this time I knew for definite it was coming from the kitchen. I ran to the kitchen, I don’t why I ran, I suppose it was just in my instinct. I threw myself through the kitchen door and shreaked at the sight that was there before me...

Later life

I later was moved to a home for children who had been through hard times. I later left there when I was 17 and got a job in a shop and stayed in a hostel nearby. I lived like that for a long time afterwards until I turned 21 and I got another job which was as a secretary for a man who worked for a University (which I can’t state). I was given a hard time as I wanted to be a doctor and then a later psychiatrist but I couldn’t go to any decent school to get those sort of qualifications.
I few years later, Iwas sacked and had to go homeless for a long period of time and could no longer recieve money for myself. A man later discovered me and helped start a new life which included getting a job and house. We later married.

Since finding my father dead with a knife in his throat and my brother at the kitchen window in a complete state, I spent most of my time terrified. My husband was not a good person which I later discovered when he started cheating on me often and using violence as a threat against me.

i’d had enough of my awful job and husband so i ran away and can barely fend for myself.

I am seeking
advice...or i will be lost. I’ve made one new friend who can barely fend for HERself and I am sitting in a public library up in Chatham while my friend is looking through the crime section of the library. ha ha.

Sorry for keeping you reading for so long but I need help...

Wendy,
You must ask yourself if you are looking for sympathy or if you are truly looking for help. I can’t imagine how hard life was/is for you. You have been through a lot and you deserve to be upset about it, but you can’t rely on anyone but yourself to turn your life around. I’ve had to deal with lots of crap in my life. What I feel was more than my share of crap, but I believe that whatever happened in your past can not be changed so you must let it go. It took me a long time to learn that. You have to realize that if you let that dictate your life, you will never be happy. You must let it go. In case, you can’t tell, I’m also trying to convince myself of the same thing. I know that i had a lot of crap in my life and I try to let it go, but I can’t figure out what is keeping me from being happy. I now have a lot of good things in my life and I still can’t be happy. Is it in my nature or is it because I have not completely let go of my past? What’s my problem? Can you help me?

you’re not happy because u are seeking hat which will make u complete. You know what it is that will make you happy, but you scared to go for it in case it turns out like everything else and you be sad again. Take a look at yourselfs and be proud, you are here and you’ve fought battles and come through them. You are strong people who have struggled through challenges and won. You won them because you are now on you’re next step. One thing i do, and it may seem a stupid thing lol, is to imagine a tree, me as the trunk and the branches, all the paths i can take. Each branch has smaller offshoots which are smaller tracks from main branch. For example goin for a job is branch, dept is smaller offshoots promotions etc. All future things. Please dont imagine you are alone or stuck, you know the answers yourself, u have them in you, you are brave and u can do, please believe that xxx

wendy,
i read one response to your plight who told you to only look inside yourself for the answer. believe me they are wrong. of course you must have the most steadfast strength within yourself, they are right in that respect. but i just know you are not searching for sympathy, you went through too much wendy. what you need is support. you need people to talk to about it, people who can be open and honest with you and whom you can be open to in return. family especially and friends. find whoever you can from your core group of family and friends and talk to them. discuss your brother with those who knew him best, find out why he chose the path he chose. their is always a reason for everything a human being does. don’t feel alone, please, because you are not. strength is not the realisation, strength is looking for it. contact me if you need to talk. im on msn messenger too a fair bit, dont hesitate to say hello. there are some folk out there who really care for the rest of this crazy race ok? take care, look at the little things in life. they are so worth smiling at.

thats gotta b hard 4 u. im only 15 yrs old so i havnt been threw quite as much as u obv. but i been threw a lot and my brother also started 2 take drugs, hes 13 yrs old. its hard bcuz my mom and dad have split up and my bro lives with mom and i live with my dad. its also hard bcuz recently my dad got a new gf and she has 2 kids, my bro n i dont get on with them at all. and his gf looks like the guy in the wheelchair of little britain! also theres no way of getting away from it bcuz even at my moms her bf has 2 kids and i also have a half bro...

if ur husband? helped u out threw the time when u were homeless i would of thought he would have not cheated or wanted 2 hurt u! i understand life can b hard and many people tlk abt suicide as the answer... it isnt. things can get better and most ppl rnt even a quarter of the way threw life. so u jst gotta hold on and get the 'base line' of things sorted out, try out some new things and do things u enjoy so it doesnt all seem like work. find some ppl u can trust n have a gd time with and eventually im sure everything will work out 2 b fine .
hope everything works out 4 u,
Nikki
xxx

hey how is every1 doing today?

good and bad by the looks of it.

Wendy, I don’t mean to criticize, but you have a lot of problems. You are continually letting other people help you out through empathy or in some degree, sympathy. Ever since your brother stabbed your father, you have been looking for an answer by having other people help you. This will not take you anywhere, you must find a job and make no mention of your past. Do not find an emphatic person. Find a person who is practical, caring, and without a history. You may feel disconnected, but as your relationship grows you will understand why. I hope I helped.

I am not happy either, but i have not gone thru the things you have. Why do I feel bad, Ill tell ya. For years I been pretending to be someone I am not, now I have become the sort of person everybody hates.........Everybody hates me and I am not happy and I cant do anything about it because there have been some lies and truth spread about me but they have got proof. I cant dissapear everyone knows me, I can’t start again Im to old............ What can I do.......