Profile: P. Moore

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Black books, quotes:

BERNAR" (having explained how he broke his arm by falling down some steps) Hence...

FRAN: So why were you embarrassed to tell me?

BERNAR Oh, well, I fell. You know, it was so... undashing.

FRAN: And of course, going to the toilet through a wicker chair, well, we’ve all been there. "
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FRAN: “Ok, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think that I was strange?

BERNAR No, I’d ask you to come round and look after my small children.

FRAN: If you don’t believe me you can come round tonight and we’ll watch the wall.

MANNY: Don’t be ridiculous, we’ll be staying in, watching the thermometer, won’t we Bernard? Won’t we?

BERNAR I don’t know, it’s an impossible choice. Walls, thermometers... I’ll just have to hope when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me."
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BERNAR “I’m a quitter, i come from a very long line of quiters, it’s amazing i’m here at all”
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BERNAR “You’re a beard with an idiot hanging off it”
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BERNAR[phone rings]“Manny? Manny, phone. Manny!

Bernard: Oh, I’ll get it, shall I?

Bernard: Hello?

Manny: [on phone] Bernard?

Bernard: Manny. Where are you? The phone’s been ringing."
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BERNAR Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.
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FRAN: (talking to Bernard about about him and Manny) You know, if the two of you could do something relaxing together, this place wouldn’t be so tense.

BERNAR What? Every time we bicker we should have sex? Just have a drink and be yourself again, will you?

FRAN: So what’s it like then? The fags and booze.

BERNAR Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...

FRAN: Yep...

BERNAR You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...

FRAN: Yep...

BERNAR ... “this is fantastic. I’m in heaven."
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MOO-PA: So, Bernard, the shop’s still called “Black Books”, is it?

BERNAR Yeah. I was going to call it “World of Tights”, but you know how stupid people are, you have to spell everything out.
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CUSTOMER: Those books, how much?

BERNAR Hmm?

CUSTOMER: Those books. Leather-bound ones.

BERNAR Yes, Dickens. The collected works of Charles Dickens.

CUSTOMER: They’re real leather?

BERNAR They’re real Dickens.

CUSTOMER: I have to know if they’re real leather because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I’ll give you two hundred for them.

BERNAR Two hundred what?

CUSTOMER: Two hundred pounds...

BERNAR Are they leather-bound pounds?

CUSTOMER: No...

BERNAR Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next!
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BERNAR [to Fran] You! What have you been telling Kate? She thinks I’m the renaissance. I have to go along with all this “reclusive genius” stuff... she’s going to be very upset when she finds out I’m just a reclusive wanker.
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BERNAR He’s a midget. A tiny midget.

MANNY: What if he overheard?

BERNAR He won’t. His ears are too small