I heard this joke and I just can’t understand it, its ment to be hilarious if you unerstand... so can anyone help? The joke is:
Two nuns are taking a bath. One asks, “Where’s the soap?" The other one says, “It does, doesn’t it?"
If u dont get it, it basically means 2 nuns in a bath with a bar of soap. They obviously dont have sex so 1 uses the soap instead of a mans ****. So when 1 says wheres the soap? Shes asking where the soap is, but the other 1 thinks she means that when shes using it for other things (sexual) that it wears the soap out, Get it?
Death came as a great surprise to me. And of all the inconvenient moments to choose, this was undoubtedly one of the worst. Mind you, I don’t suppose I’m the first to go this way.
Rogered to death, I was: collapsed in a heap because my heart couldn’t stand the pace of Monica in the throes of lust. All I’d wanted was a quick bang, and instead I got the big bang, the explosion in the chest, the collapse of the lungs, the steady starvation of oxygen from the body. Dead in minutes.
“Aah, aah, aah, yes, yes, that’s it," she moaned.
“Ohhh, ohhhh," I gurgled.
“Yes, that’s it, John; that’s sexy, join in with me."
“Ohh, fuck..."
“Oh yes, baby. Talk dirty to me."
“Ooooff."
“That’s it lover boy..."
“Mnnmm..."
“John? John? Are you okay? Keep going, don’t stop, baby, I’m nearly in heaven."
“Ohhh."
“Keep going! John? You’re turning blue. Are you alright?"
“Ohh."
“John! Are you having a heart attack? Fuck, no! Not now! You can’t, you can’t."
“Aahh."
“Here, let me go on top, baby, you take it easy."
“Ohh."
“John! Don’t you dare die on me, you bastard! I’m nearly coming! John! John!"
And there you have it: rogered to death. As the last breath wheezed out of my lungs I was still trapped inside her. I even fancy I was about to come just as the lights went out. Talk about coitus interruptus. And that’s why I’m still here, I think. I’m a ghost, wandering around with a boner the size of Britney Spears' forearm (okay, okay, so even ghosts exaggerate their manhood.)
Within minutes, there were police and ambulance and god knows what crawling over the room. How many does it take to cart out a stiff, for christ’s sake? That guy in the corner, I wasn’t even sure he was with anyone. He looked kind of shifty - I’m certain he was just a voyeur, there for the thrill.
And there I was. Dead. Done. Fucked. Literally. Monica was in the other room, wailing like a police siren on helium, but I think that was more for the lost opportunity than for her dead lover. Unless she could pull one of the policemen (not out of the question, sadly) she would be facing her first come-free evening since she wore braces and a trainer bra. No wonder she was crying.
Well, at least he went out with a smile on his face," said the ambulance driver as he zipped up my body bag.
“That’s not a smile. More of a grimace. The man looks knackered."
“Not surprised. She’s a hot bit of stuff, in there."
“Demanding."
“Not half! She could demand me any time. I’d give her one."
No, no, no! They weren’t supposed to say things like that. Only I’m allowed to talk about her that way.
“What a way to go."
“He died with his boots off."
“But his helmet on."
“Or up."
“Or in."
It’s not much fun, being the butt of everyone’s puerile jokes. I wanted to smack the arrogant bastard in the face, but I didn’t have the strength. So I shook my hips and waggled my willy at him. Alas, it afforded only an instant’s amusement because he turned and walked straight through me on his way to the other room.
“All ready in here, mate," he called.
“Okay, take it out." They muscled over towards my corpse. I panicked then. They couldn’t take it away: it was my body. It was the only thing I had. What would I do now?
“No, leave it alone," I yelled. “It’s okay. I’m going to wake up in a minute. You’ll see. I just nodded off for a moment."
But already the front door was open and my erstwhile body was being carried down the stairs. I stared at my erection, still dangling in front of me. “This is all your fault," I told it. “If you hadn’t hogged all the blood, my heart wouldn’t have had to pump so hard. I’d still be here, sitting reading a good book, or something nice and easy. Now what do I do?"
The worst of it was, I was still as horny as hell. My boner wouldn’t go down, and I was in the throes of the worst lust pangs I’d ever known. Monica was in the other room, seated in her armchair, her legs bare beneath her short dressing gown, the outline of her nipples clearly visible. Oh god...
I tried to take myself in hand, but my fingers just slid through it. Imagine! The worst torture known to man: to have an erection and have no way of being able to satisfy it.
Three weeks ago that was, and I’m still here, still carrying that tumescent curse around in front of me, still unable to relieve my tension. I’ve tried everything. I’ve rubbed up against walls, carpets, sofas, even the giant washing machine in the launderette. I’ve stuck it in holes, in loaves of bread, in sand, in a pile of wet concrete outside the new library they’re building on Main Street. I even slammed the door shut on it yesterday, but that was more through frustration than anything. And still it won’t go down. Still I’m stuck with this damned monstrosity.
So girls, next time a dishevelled, smelly, slightly rotting man approaches you and asks you to stroke him off, don’t immediately suppose he’s some sad pervert. And if he tells you he’s a ghost, and he needs to come just once more before his poor, tortured body can finally lie in rest, don’t automatically assume it’s the worst chat-up line in history.
I’m the emphatic imposter and I’m here to say
I’m a fucking fag whos proud to be gay
I get off on taking peoples names
My deformed brain likes these games
My 2 inch tiny weenie gets hard
That’s because I’m a fucking retard
After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: “Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."
She looks sternly at him and says, “I demand a second opinion”.
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