Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till." After you ask, “Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in GermanyGermany belives in chuck norris made that 1 up myself
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, “don’t worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris."
chuck norris really loves roundhouse kicks to the face
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks
i know chuck norris is badass but look what bruce can do in real life
Lee’s striking speed from three feet with his hands down by his side reached “five hundredths” of a second.[47]
Lee could spring a 235lb (107kg) opponent 15 feet (4.6 metres) away with a 1 inch punch.[46]
Lee’s combat movements were at times too fast to be captured on film at 24fps, so many scenes were shot in 32fps to put Lee in slow motion. Normally martial arts films are sped up.[48][49][50]
In a speed demonstration, Lee could snatch a dime off a person’s open palm before they could close it, and leave a penny behind.[51]
Lee could perform push ups using only his thumbs[39][46]
Lee would hold an elevated v-sit position for 30 minutes or longer.[45]
Lee could throw grains of rice up into the air and then “catch them in mid-flight” using chopsticks.[39]
Lee performed one-hand push-ups using only the thumb and index finger[46][52][39][46]
Lee performed 50 reps of one-arm chin-ups.[53]
From a standing position, Lee could hold a 125lb (57kg) barbell straight out. [45][39]
Lee could break wooden boards 6inches (15cm) thick.[54]
Lee performed a side kick while training with James Coburn and broke a 150-lb (68kg) punching bag[45][55]
Lee could cause a 300-lb (136kg) bag to fly towards and thump the ceiling with a sidekick.[46]
In a move that has been dubbed “Dragon Flag”, Lee could perform leg lifts with only his shoulder blades resting on the edge of a bench and suspend his legs and torso perfectly horizontal midair. [56]
Lee could “thrust” his fingers through unopened steel cans of Coca-Cola, at a time before cans were made of the softer aluminum metal.[57]
Lee could use one finger to leave “dramatic” indentations on pine wood.[
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