Yeah sorry everyone, have’nt had much time at the momment to be on he pc. after all i’ve been planning my wedding which is happening this year.
Anyhow, I WILL RATE AND READ ALL STORIES TODAY. I WILL MAKE SURE OF IT. OH and i will be uploading the prologue to what may become a series of adventure stories i will be writing.
I Will start reading now.
Thanks for the reminder Tuscan ol buddy. its easy to get side tracked
Chapter 1: Hmmm well written, however i have recently found out that this is not original but taken from a game..TSK, TSK. Naughty, Naughty. However, seeing as you are merely using this as a basis point to continue the story on in your own words, i suppose that shall be ok.
Chapter 2: Good contnuation from the original source material. carries on the style/vein of the the first chapter well. Short but sweet. Portrays the irony and unpredictable nature of war well, with the conversation between the two friends.
Chapter 3: Seems like their could be more to the story at this point. The action/ storyline seems a little thread bare. But taking into account your age, is very well written. Just feel that some more descriptive information would highten the whole ambience/feeling of the situation.
Good work so far though. very good and welldone for continuing a storyline set by another source and making it your own.
This story was well handled and does not dramatise the reality of this situation for many families across the world.
Chapter 1:Placing emphesis on telling the story through the childrens point of view, gives the tale more power and highlights the advanced maturity of children placed in such an enviroment. The behavior of all involved is believable and the two parents are polar oposites of each other but each is guilty of neglect.
Despite some typos and a few Awkward sentences, the story is well put together and left me wondering what would happen to the unfortunate children next.
Effortlessly paints a descriptive picture of their homelife, without needing too much emphesis on their enviroment.
Very well done.
Chapter 2: None of the previous typo/errors seemed to mar the story in this installment. You realy feel for the children and hope that all will go well for them in their escape from their dire situation. Some how, the fact that there is a military person involved with an orphanage, give idication that all may not go smooth once they reach their destination.
Comments on mariomaniacs prologue, “lost in the light of darkness”
Firstly, let me say that i have not read Eragon, so as to whether this impacts on my undersatnding and enjoyment of what was written is undetermined.
I love the title. good use of an Oxymoron. sets a tone for the story, that anything is possible, seeing that darkness and light and polar opposites, therefore the light of darkness is a fantasy concept.
I didn’t realy grasp the whole concept of what or who a rane is and feel that the term was a little abused. perhaps try to use a alternative term or just omit it al together for some sections.
example. this is a quick re-write, subsituting Rane for some other descriptive terms, in part anyway.
A bang crashes in the night, a horse rides out of the castle holding a yellow stone. The clacking sound of horse hooves ride behind him.
“Get back here you bloody rane!"
trying to escape, he rode for mere seconds until his horse got shot in the leg, he falls down, hitting the ground and his leg was broken. uttering 3 words, the yellow rock vanished.
“you devilish rane, ill see you in hell!" screamed/cried/shouted ect the persuer.
“im not much worth to kill” the Rane replied as a red stick went right through his heart, leaving no trace of his body, the horse, or the murderer.
something like that seems to make the word seem less abused and hence, easier to read.
Has plenty of potential though. I look forward to seeing how it develops.
Chapter 1: Starts off in a perilious situation, with the reader being confused as to why the father and son are going to jump. It is believible that the son would try to avoid his un-timely demise. This chapter starts off good with many questions needing answering. Not quite sure how the son can spread any words if he is to plummet to his doom. this adds to the confusion, which is shared by the boy, therefore drawing you into the childs mindset.
Chapter 2: Some spelling errors make this chapter difficult to read in some parts and seems to jump ahead of the previous chapter. feels like there should be a chapter 1.5 in the midle of this.
The plot thickens though with the mystery of the piece of paper with the number on it. I get the feeling that there is something more to his fathers death/suicide then meets the eye. i am deeply intrigued as to what the boy will find out and what the meaning behind the concept of time is. Perhaps the father is not realy dead or maybe he knows something more than he could tell his son. This chapter poses more questions for the reader, engaging you into the story more and more.
Chapter 3: The theme of the story just changed. I was prepared for some sort of conspiracy or shadowy goverment corperation but now we are presented with some form of supernatural/ alien presence. This is a good twist and i await with baited breath to the fate of the lead character.
Chapter 4: more cliff-hangers. You know how to keep us waiting Tuscan. I start to feel genuine concern for the lad and his percarious situation. Bring on chapter 5!
Overall, well done. I hope there are some answers soon, cause im guessing way too much. This stories open ended nature engages the brain as it tries to decifer what is going on, when not even the lead knows what the meaning is behind the events that have transpired.
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