Hello, for English, I need to write a mindblowing story to get my grade up. (I am not doing so hot) So I am writing a story. I am still working on my intro, but I would like feedback and see what I should do better.
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Everything is nothing. Nothing is everything. This single phrase would hit me when I was only nine years old. Not only would I know what the words mean, but I would believe them. I would live by them. I would be the idea. When the wave hit me, and distorted my world like a hallucinogenic drug, I believed I knew the meaning of life. I believed I knew the secrets that mankind have been searching for the entire time between those points of birth and death. I knew the meaning of our existence. I knew what emotion is. I knew what moral standards really were.
There are none.
Nihilism was a philosophy I understood and believed in before I even knew of the existence of the word. A philosophy I understood and followed before knowing I was a part of this group. This all started with the swipe of a mental illness I would possess when I was only nine years old.
The story of how I became the way I am today is a pretty long one, starting from when I was only nine years old all the way to now. I am sixteen. When I think of the beginning, there is only one word that pops into my mind that can describe the entire thing. The word is individualism. Individualism was another word I would live by, and still live by throughout all my years.
Conformity is a monster, an imaginary monster that has devoured American youth for many, many years. Everyone had to be the same. No one could be different. Those were the only two rules at that time, and will possibly continue to be the only two rules of our childhood.
Unfortunately for me, I was the only one who did not accept this idea called conformity. Instead, I believed in the term that rebels against that term. Individualism is the word. I did not believe in cloning. I believed in separating. There was only one single rule. That rule is to be yourself, be who you want to be, like what you want to like, and believe what you want to believe.
On the contrary, I did not behave like an “individual.” I behaved like everyone else, unfortunately, which could call me one of those goddamn conformists. I did not physically rebel against that idea. I mentally rebelled. I hated the ideas that my school had, but my damn balls have not dropped, and could not contain the courage to actually follow the individualistic beliefs. My courage would not build until years later, when I was nine.
1indainfinite wrote:
You? hmm.... how do the people act towards you in school?
They think I am wierd usually. They think I am the next Columbine kid sometimes, overall, they just think I am wierd. Luckily I got some great friends though.
1indainfinite wrote:
You? hmm.... how do the people act towards you in school?
They think I am wierd usually. They think I am the next Columbine kid sometimes, overall, they just think I am wierd. Luckily I got some great friends though.
Ya their gonna definatly know it’s you:/
--- God is evil God is pure God is neither God is God
Don’t FUCK with my insanity I’ll warp your REALiTY
1indainfinite wrote:
You? hmm.... how do the people act towards you in school?
They think I am wierd usually. They think I am the next Columbine kid sometimes, overall, they just think I am wierd. Luckily I got some great friends though.
Ya their gonna definatly know it’s you:/
lol, oh well. idk, I am gonna change the way my character is gonna look, and hopefully that will get their thought off track, but I doubt it.
Ben - I’m posting a reply in about 10 minutes. It won’t be very comprehensive, given that I have to study for a test tomorrow, but I’ll do my best.
--- We will set out with a fire in our hearts/When this darkness gives way to the dawn/In the light we are united as one/For the kingdom of heaven must be taken by storm!
petrofsky wrote:
ok, lol, but dont bash the shit out of me or anything, lol.
Hahahaha, why would I do that?
--- We will set out with a fire in our hearts/When this darkness gives way to the dawn/In the light we are united as one/For the kingdom of heaven must be taken by storm!
Sorry for the late reply, it took me a while to type this up. Take the criticism lightly - as you said, I get extremely picky about certain things, and at times get a bit too involved as well. All in all, you’re probably a better writer than I am (my story-writing sucks). Edit: I rated it “good," for the sake of reference. Second Edit: The analogy that you made today clarified a few things, perhaps you could explore that sort of thing in the story (e.g., morality and religion).
petrofsky wrote:
Everything is nothing. Nothing is everything. This single phrase would hit me when I was only nine years old. Not only would I know what the words mean, but I would believe them. I would live by them. I would be the idea. When the wave hit me, and distorted my world like a hallucinogenic drug, I believed I knew the meaning of life. I believed I knew the secrets that mankind have been searching for the entire time between those points of birth and death. I knew the meaning of our existence. I knew what emotion is. I knew what moral standards really were.
There are none.
Nihilism was a philosophy I understood and believed in before I even knew of the existence of the word. A philosophy I understood and followed before knowing I was a part of this group. This all started with the swipe of a mental illness I would possess when I was only nine years old.
Drop the faux-nihilist attitude. This may sound a bit harsh, but I have a difficult time believing that you were contemplating your existence within a philosophical context at age nine. Furthermore, the idea that there’s no such thing as emotion, and that moral standards don’t exist is a foolish one. What exactly do you mean by “moral standards?” Obviously I have a very limited knowledge on the subject, but morality/moral standards are subjective, and vary depending upon individuals and in some cases cultures. Wikipedia is a fairly good source to get a very basic knowledge about certain topics, so I’ll quote it in this case:
Wikipedia wrote:
In its first descriptive usage, morality means a code of conduct held to be authoritative in matters of right and wrong, morals are created by and define society, philosophy, religion, or individual conscience.
In its second, normative and universal sense, morality refers to an ideal code of conduct, one which would be espoused in preference to alternatives by all rational people, under specified conditions. To deny 'morality' in this sense is a position known as moral skepticism.
In its third usage, 'morality' is synonymous with ethics, the systematic philosophical study of the moral domain.
You’re obviously not referring to the third definition of morality, and there’s absolutely no way that you’re going to convince me that at that age you were even aware of the school of thought espousing moral skepticism – so, it can be safely assumed that you were referring to the first definition.
Next: I would not question that you believed in certain “aspects” of nihilism at a young age, however, I would not use the term nihilism until coming to a better understanding of it (i.e., by studying the individuals who contributed to nihilist thought and the movements/philosophies surrounding it). Reading about Friedrich Nietzsche on Wikipedia is NOT what I would suggest – rather, read the works of some famous philosophers who identified themselves as nihilists/drew from nihilist thought; perhaps buying an entry-level book on philosophy would help. I have Beyond Good and Evil, and if you want to borrow it, you can do so at any time (for the record, no, I haven’t read it). Also, I would avoid mentioning mental illness in a paper for school – I know this from experience. It will most likely make the teacher feel uncomfortable/awkward, and really just isn’t necessary. However, if you want to incorporate depression/mental illness into your story, and then look at the suggestion I made at the bottom. Finally: I don’t understand the phrase “swipe of a mental illness.” I don’t mean to be a Grammar Nazi, but you may want to change that.
So, to conclude the first section:
-I would get rid of the first two paragraphs (also, one problem that I didn’t address was the fact that the passage was rather pretentious).
A bit of a random note, but what exactly does the phrase “Everything is nothing and nothing is everything” mean? I don’t believe that it was said by Nietzsche, and a simple Google search reveals that it’s a Buddhist phrase, a “paradox that cannot be understood.” Clarification is needed here.
petrofksy wrote:
The story of how I became the way I am today is a pretty long one, starting from when I was only nine years old all the way to now. I am sixteen. When I think of the beginning, there is only one word that pops into my mind that can describe the entire thing. The word is individualism. Individualism was another word I would live by, and still live by throughout all my years.
I think your story would be improved greatly if you had individualism as a major theme, but never actually spelled it out for the reader (i.e., don’t use the actual word in your story). If developed properly, this could be a very interesting theme/aspect of your story.
petrofksy wrote:
Conformity is a monster, an imaginary monster that has devoured American youth for many, many years. Everyone had to be the same. No one could be different. Those were the only two rules at that time, and will possibly continue to be the only two rules of our childhood.
Unfortunately for me, I was the only one who did not accept this idea called conformity. Instead, I believed in the term that rebels against that term. Individualism is the word. I did not believe in cloning. I believed in separating. There was only one single rule. That rule is to be yourself, be who you want to be, like what you want to like, and believe what you want to believe.
On the contrary, I did not behave like an “individual.” I behaved like everyone else, unfortunately, which could call me one of those goddamn conformists. I did not physically rebel against that idea. I mentally rebelled. I hated the ideas that my school had, but my damn balls have not dropped, and could not contain the courage to actually follow the individualistic beliefs. My courage would not build until years later, when I was nine.
It’s foolish to assume that you were the only one who felt like going against the grain. Furthermore, you’re lumping all American youths into the “conformist” category, which is completely untrue. Yes, there are a lot of people who do things only to be like their friends/”fit in” with a particular crowd, but there are a lot more people who don’t. Also: what ideas did you hate that the school had? The most sophisticated argument against education that most nine year olds (including myself at that age) can make is that “homework sucks.” I don’t want to sound like a jackass because I’m arguing against some of your points, but education is quite necessary. Now, the quality of education in America varies greatly, and you might make the argument that schools are too concerned with petty things like political correctness; but it isn’t like we’re being fed the state’s propaganda in every class. Finally, regarding the “following of individualistic beliefs” – what exactly do you mean by this? Clarification would be helpful.
So, in conclusion: I would recommend starting over; however, this does NOT mean that I think what you wrote is bad (far from it, in fact). You have some interesting ideas that you need to develop – specifically that of individualism – and it is my opinion that were you to write a story involving a character very different from yourself, but who still had the same basic outlook on life, it would be much better. One thing I’ve noticed, however, is the influence of The Catcher in the Rye on your writing – at one point you even use the characteristic word “godddam.” While I don’t think this is a bad thing, make sure to distance yourself from that particular work – create something original, and interesting. While I realize that this is simply an introduction, you need to think about what kind of conflict the main character will have to face, etc.
Again: I’m not saying that your writing is bad, and I’m certainly not insulting your intelligence. Had I written a short story as well, then I would expect you to criticize it as harshly.
--- We will set out with a fire in our hearts/When this darkness gives way to the dawn/In the light we are united as one/For the kingdom of heaven must be taken by storm!
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lol, but I wish they left comments on how it could be better.
