1. The song must be performed by someone with rock ‘n’ roll credibility
It would be too easy to pick a song by an easy listening cheeseball like Barry Manilow or Josh Groban, so decidedly non-rockin’ artists are disqualified because the average listener has no reasonable expectation of being rocked by anything they do. The least rockin’ song of all time is still a rock song, though just barely.
2. The song does not elicit any kind of passionate response
There are tons of annoyingly hateable songs out there. But the least rockin’ song of all time does not inspire hatred. It does not inspire anything. It is a passion neutralizer. Ideally, the least rockin’ song of all time would quell tensions in the Middle East to the point where the various religious and ethnic sects would forget their age-old divisions and simply sit in folding chairs and stare restlessly at 3-year-old copies of Newsweek.
3. The song is not a ballad
Again, too easy. There’s no expectation of being rocked, or intention on the part of the artist to provoke rocking. It’s like saying Driving Miss Daisy is the worst action film of all time.
James Taylor’s cover of “How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)?”
My case:
It clearly is very, very un-rockin’, but haven’t I violated my own rules? No. Let me extrapolate: James Taylor is a member of the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall Of Fame, which gives him institutional rock cred. Also, “How Sweet It Is” was popularized by Marvin Gaye and also recorded by The Isley Brothers, Ben E. King, and Sam & Dave, so it does have a track record of being fairly rockin’. The song somewhat skirts the balladry line but it’s a little too upbeat and sunny, and you could never slow dance to it (Seriously, you can’t. I dare you to try.)
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