Nikki Guest | well okay but its a bit of an awkward situation n a long 1:
the thing is i live with my dad because my mom left us when i was 9 months old although i still do see her. i have one brother who lives with my mom and hes younger than me, we get along like best friends. my mom has a boyfriend again now, shes been married twice (once with my dad another with someone else). her new boyfriend has 2 children as well, the same age as my brother and my half brother. just recently my dad got a girlfriend who has 2 daughters and they’re the same age as my brother and half brother. we dont get along at all, the first time we ever met them was on my birthday this year, they completly ruined that, dad left my brother and i to babysit while him and his girlfriend (debbie) went out for a meal. they completly wrecked the place. anyway skipping to the point... its like they have to be involved in everything we do now, my dad and i have fallen out so many times i even ran out the house the other day. dad stops my brother and i from doing things now because of these people coming round all the time. and i only get to see my brother once a week if that... once after my dad and i had stopped argueing he promised me they wouldnt always get involved in what we do, but its like they’re always around no matter what and they live 2 hours away... and now they are even coming on holiday with us, before its always been my dad, brother and i. my brother also dislikes them a lot, he cant stand them and what makes it worse is her kids are always out of order to my friends when they dont even know them and my brother, it gets to me so much! i feel like i could just smack 'em one, but ive never hit anyone in before and dont intend to start now. my dad and i went round debbies house the other day and i was left there to look after danielle (her oldest kid, whos just turned 12) she just started hitting me for stupid reasons like i was searching something on google and she said “no you dont do that you stupid bitch” and starts taking the mouse of me. i just left it for a while and then she went out, even though she wasnt aloud because she was in trouble for walking out of this place without telling her mom and taking alcohol to school and nearly getting suspended. i think she has problems to. anyway she come back and i said i wouldnt let her in if she continued hitting me, so she climbed threw the window, turned of the computer and started hitting me with her hair brush. i nearly lost it with her but instead walked out the house... didnt have a clue where i was going though, a little while later dad called me and him and debbie came to pick me up and asked what happend. when we got back in the house danielle was denying it all but her mom just lost it and was going to take danielle to the social services and send her to a bording school... then danielle run away... its destroying our family as well and it seems no-one can understand how my brother and i feel, we can just understand each other. i dont think im going to be able to survive on this holiday when we have to spend 2 weeks together in America, i know something bads going to happen, its bound to. But the way they keep acting just isnt right, now im not putting all the blame on debbie and her children because i know i hold a grudge because they ruined my birthday but my brother and i have been trying so hard to get on yet all were getting is abuse and them saying they hate us and trying to get us in trouble for things we havnt done. its like debbie and her kids and our dad play all happy families when we go out and my brother and i are left out, he tells us to join in but we cant because we dont like what they like and when we do they just try and go off, so my brother and i just stay together (were more like best friends) there isnt anything we can do to get away because even at my moms we dislike her boyfriend and his kids! i know i just need a break or something, but its actually having the money and our parents letting us go away for a while alone... then because of the things that have happend my brother started taking drugs... im not sure if he still does but i spoke to him about it and that so i think he has stopped now, because he only tried it a few times...
thats some of my problems there but i have another...
theres this guy, Dean, weve been threw a lot together, when i was younger he always used to be cheerful and helped me threw a lot! i mean i was really bad like i thought things could get no worse and felt like i wanted to die, i even went to stab myself once... anyway after a while things changed and he started to have problems with his family, he got more and more down and didnt seem alright at all, he started telling me whats wrong and i cheered him up for a while and then he tried going out with this girl that was his best friend, but it went wrong and i think this is what triggerd disaster. he just completly lost it, i was talking to him and he went out for a bit, come back and told me he’d just taken an overdose of all these differnt drugs. i was like your kidding me he said he wasnt, we spoke about a lot and he said how it eases the pain and how he wants to die and has nothing to live for, he cant keep on like this argueing and fighting all the time because he feels so weak. he was hurt and destroyed. i cired for about 6 and a half hours when talking to him and trying to get him threw it. at one point he pretended to be his mom saying that dean had gone to sleep and i could speak to him in the morning (we were talking over MSN).. i wouldnt believe he was gone so i kept telling him things to reasure him and eventually he started speaking again, he was so upset and i just didnt know what to do. but after a bit i got threw to him and he said that he’d try again, he then made himself sick to get the drugs out of his system and had to go to hospital. he was fine for a while and would never let me forget i was the only reason he wasnt dead. eventually he was getting back to his old self :-)... we started getting closer and he told me he loved me. he means more to me than anything and id do anything for him but i dont love him... unfortunitly he had another fall out with his parents and left but he mangaged to get online at one point and he gave me his mobile number. so from then on we were texting because his dad shut down his MSN account... i was speaking to his cousin and he said that dean kept downloading stuff so he wasnt aload on the computer anymore! so we started texting each other and he told me he started smoking weed and drinking a lot... i explained to him its no good for him and think he should try and get some aims in life... so he cut down on the drinking then went back home (where he is now, although hes been searching for a flat). he then cut down on the smoking and drugs and eventually stopped it completly :-), well thats how he was a few days ago, hes done so well without the drugs, hes got himself a job and was getting a flat but then was rejected for it... so hes still looking but thats alright and hes even starting a newer job in august :-D. then couple of days ago he text me at 1:30am and told me he didnt think he could hold on anymore... he said he didnt think the dream would come true and cant kep this false hope, he was going to go back on drugs again and nothing i say would change his mind. he thought about moving to canada and starting completly new. saying im better off forgetting about him and moving on, but i just cant do that, i could never do that- i owe him for so much and he means the world to me, hes always there for me when i need him. i explained to him that i would always be there for him, told him everything he has to live for. he always said hed be there for me as well but right now i cant really tell him all my problems because hes got enough of his own! i begged him to stop taking the drugs and we spoke a lot that night and then he said hed think about only taking them untill i go to see him or live with him (he asked me to move in). so hes started smoking weed again now and i cant stand it, i cant see him like this hes so different and hurt and i hate seeing him in pain. it hurts me a lot but its not about me its him i just want him to be happy, to get what he deserves and it certainly isnt this s#~*. i dont know what to do anymore myself, my whole life is ruined... a few years ago when i thought life could get no worse i was wrong... i cant be doing with these family secrets and my friends pain.
im not sure if you can help me or not, a lot of people have tried and its fine if you cant. i think i need professional help.
i know you may say talk to them about it or whatever but the thing is talking to my dad just causes arguements now, hes changed.. a lot of things have. and dean i speak to him as much as i can, im currently writting him a letter and im going to make a cd for him... music helps me threw a lot and can calm me down. i cant get away from any problems anymore because they’re everywhere even at school a lot have things have happend with my “friends” but these are my biggest problems at the moment and i dont want to bother you with anymore.
and do u by any chance have MSN messanger? |
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