jokes

Kristen

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I don’t really know any good jokes

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post a not so good joke then

Nyarlathotep
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your mamas so fat you have to put elephant tranq in her ice-cream to get her to sleep.

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oh yo mamma jokes now? well

yo mamma so fat when she went missing her picture covered all 4 sides of the milk carton

Nyarlathotep
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How do you lose someone that fat?
that’s no easy task.

shizzle 2

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you momma is so thick she once got locked in a toilet and shit herself!

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um... ok.. well...

yo mamma is so fat that when she wants someone to shake her hand she has to give directions!

Jesus is Awesome

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A kid wrote to Santa,
“Please send me a sister."

Santa wrote back:
“OK, Send me your mother."

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ive heard that one

shizzle 2

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heres a cool one........a dad and his son were in a car and hid dad came across a policeman and he said"you bitch"The son replied what does that mean?The man said its another word for a policeman.So they get home and the dad trips over the mat and says “shit"The boy says what does that mean the dad says it is another word for what i just triped over so the boy see’s his dad watching the football the oposition score the man yells bastard the says what does the mean the man says its another word for what im watching.So the boy goes into the kitchin and her mom burns hewrself on the turkey and says"fuck” the boy says mom what does that mean the mother says it is another word for what im cooking.Then the boy goes upstiars his brother is shaving and cuts himself ans says bolaxe the boy says what does that mean the brother replies its another word for what im shaving.Then there is a knok at the door the boy runs down and it is a policeman the boys says.“ah you bitch watch you dont trip over the shit my dads watching the bastard my moms fucking the turkey and my brothers upstiars shaving his bolaxe.

why bother

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once there was a chicken and a scotsman, and the scotsman said ach and the chicken replied bock!!!

i always laugh when i hear it, it never gets old!!!

if you don’t get it, its a goth thing.

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that was stupid...

warrior 1992

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soz about the late reply,yo,shizzle 2 i heard that one.cracks me up every time.

nunu

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hi everyone ive got a couple of jokes ..hope they are good ..
1...
Warm and Moist

MAN: I’d like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He’s at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I’m sorry, I can’t sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I’d like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He’s at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can’t sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What’s in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It’s warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper






2..
Who’s the Most Fun to Operate On?

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, “I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order”.

The second surgeon said, “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order”.

The third surgeon said, “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, “I like operating on lawyers”.

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, “Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable”.

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lol that first one is funny... the second one is ok

why bother

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once there was a man called peter and he had a big penis, he went home and smoked a cone and peter was my best friend.

HEEHEE

DestinyGuy 678

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???? anyway heres one
Iowa 3-Kick Rule
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The attorney responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here. "

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U. S. ; and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own. "

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Iowa. We settle small disagreements like this with the Iowa Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, “What is this three-kick Rule? "

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up. "

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn. "

The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.

i go to chuch but i dont think this will offen any one:

Church Bloopers
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...

Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High”.

Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night — Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet” in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11th.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy."

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands."

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Kristen

Guest

HOW TO DEAL WITH TELEMARKETERS
1.If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2.If they start out with, “How are you today?" say, “Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my car won’t start..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.
3.If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4.This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company..." You: (Wait for a second) With a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?"
5.Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6.Say “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7.If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends...would YOU be my friend?"
8.If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get blood out? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?
9.Ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10.Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can’t sell to their fellow employees.
11.Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream “Oh my Gosh!!!" and then hang-up.
12.Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number, you will call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.
13.Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14.Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15.Tell the telemarketer, “Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m in my swimsuit!."
16.Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?"
17.Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder... louder...
18.Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write DOWN EVERY WORD.

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lol...

shizzle 2

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this is a good one !!!!!!!

there once was a english man,a scottish man and a irish man and they were driving through the desert and there jeep broke down so the irish man and the scottish man both took bottles of water.But then the english man takes the car door.So there walking along and then they meet three desert people and the first one says to the scottish man WHAT AV U GOT A BOTTLE OF WATER FOR.Then the scottish man replies DUH if i get dehydrated i can have a drink!The second man says how about u.He replies same as him.Then the 3rd one says so why the hell av u gat the door for?then the english man says “well if it gets hot i can wind the fuckin window down!!!!!