jokes

Col. Doodah

Guest

A man is feeling real sick to his stomach so he goes to a doctor to get evaluated.

The doctor says he has a tape worm in his intestine and tells him he wants the guy to return tomorow with a sandwhich and a cookie. The guy returns the next day with the materials. The doctor takes the sandwhich and shoves it up th guys ass, waits five minutes and shoves the cookie up the guys ass. “I want you to continue coming here with these things for the next five days” say the doctor. For the next 5 days, the doctor continues shoving a a sandwich up the guys ass and waiting five minutes to follow it up with the cookie.

After the 5th day the doctor tells him to bring a sandwich and a hammer. The next day, the dotor shoves the sandwhich up the guys ass, waits a little over five minutes and then suddenly the tapeworm pops his head out of his ass and says, “Wheres my COOKIE?!" and the doctor hits it on the head with the hammer. The end,

Christine

Guest

What is E.T short for?

No? give up?......(wait for it)....

Because he has short legs!

(I’d laugh but its really not funny!)

england the beutiful

Guest

Gay bloke goes to Phyciatrist

hes in the waitin room the doc calls him in

Doctor ask whats the matter am ya feelin depressed

Gay Bloke, ugghh, well I’ve been through a lota shit just latley

england the beutiful

Guest

things not to say in a gay bar

can I push ya stool in!!!

bugger me the beers cheap!!

england the beutiful

Guest

This Geordy from NewCastle, with a real northen accent goes in a hardware store,

Geordie: Cany yave a pound a nails

Shopkeeper: how long dya want em

Geordie: I wanna keep em

england the beutiful

Guest

marr misses so fat I burned me arse on the lightbulb

Ladya

Guest

haha all these jokes were good . i realy like the tape worm one.

Nyarlathotep
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Joined: 26 Jun 2005
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I think the british ones are inside jokes, ya won’t get em unless your british, so I don’t get em.

Regular
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Joined: 07 Jul 2005
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me either >.

UBER 1337 Poster
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Joined: 26 Jul 2005
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It’s called “Pus SUCKER BILL” and it goes like this.....

A woman walks into the doctor’s office with a huge boil on her ass.

The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core. He says,“This is too big a job for me," so he sends her to Pus Sucker Bill.

The women goes to Bill who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says,“This is no problem," and he proceeds to press his lips to her ass and sucks out the pus and core of the boil.

Halfway through, the women drops a mammoth fart. Bill stops what he’s doing looks up and says " You know lady it’s people like you who make this job FUCKING DISGUSTING!"

Entree
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Joined: 15 Aug 2005
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Just thought I’d add my contribution (one at a time)...

A woman walks into a Mercedes Dealership to have a browse around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car she has ever seen and walks over to get a better look. As she bends over to inspect the fine upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes that a Sales Person does not appear right now! She turns back, only to find a Salesman now standing right next to her. With a pleasant smile he greets her “Good Afternoon Madam, how may we help you today?”

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing has happened, she smiles and enquires “Might I just ask - what is the cost of this lovely vehicle?”

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies “Madam, I am sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to SHIT yourself when you hear the price!!!”

Entree
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Joined: 15 Aug 2005
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And a second to keep you going...

A woman walks into a Chemist and tells the Pharmacist she needs some Cyanide.
The Pharmacist says “Why in the world would you need Cyanide?
The lady then goes on to explain that she wants it to poison her husband.

The Pharmacist’s eyes get very big when he hears this and he says “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you Cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the Law! I’ll lose my License, they’ll throw both of us in Jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!!! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide!

At this, the lady does not reply - simply reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photograph of her husband and the Pharmacist’s wife which she passes to the Pharmacist.

The Pharmacist looks at the picture and says “Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a Prescription!”

Ladya

Guest

haha i really liked the one about the Cyanide they are pretty good jokes

Entree
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Joined: 15 Aug 2005
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Another two then to indulge you a little more...

Mary Clancy goes to see Father O’Grady after Sunday morning Mass in tears...

“What is bothering you, Mary my child?" he asks

“Oh Father," she says “I have terrible news. My husband passed away last night!”

“Oh Mary, that’s terrible!" the kindly Priest exclaims. “Tell me, did he have a last request?”

“That he did Father…” says Mary in reply.

“And what was his last request, Mary?” enquires Father O’Grady...

“He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that gun!!!'”
________________

A rich man and a poor man both have the same Wedding Anniversary. Every year they meet up to discuss the presents they’ve each bought their wives. The poor man asks the rich man what his gift was this year...

“A diamond ring and a Mercedes...” is the reply.

“Why both?” asks the first.

“Well,” answers the rich man, “If she doesn’t like the ring, she can return it to the shop in the Mercedes and still be happy. So what did you buy yours?”

“A pair of slippers and a dildo” the poor man answers.

The rich man is puzzled by his choice and asks why...

“Well,” replies the poor man “If she doesn’t like the slippers she can go FUCK herself!!!”
________________

vivian

Guest

GREAT JOKE,SUGAH BABE,I HAVEN´T LAUGH SO MUCH IN A LONG TIME.

Ladya

Guest

HaHA those were sooooo funny where do you get these jokes. if you have anymore i would love to hear them, your have just made my day better

rysn

Guest

i got some heres a good 1 theres an american a canadian and a chinese man there all in the same car there breaks down infront of a barn they ask the farmer if they could stay for the night the farm says yes as long as u stay away from my dotter or ill kill u so at night the farmers dotter goes to three mens room naked she is horny and wants sex she asks the asian man to come with her when the asian gets bakc down he says that was the best sex ive ever had so the canadian and america take turns on the girl in the morning the farmer found he tells the men they each have to pick there favourite fruit and shove it up ther ass and if they do it he wont kill them so the canadian gets an apple he trie but fails he is shot and goes to heaven the american picks a cherry and he is shoving it up his ass hes almost got it but he burst out laughing and it falls out he is shot and goes to heaven in heaven the canadian says what happened u almos had it the american say i saw the asian guy with a watermelon

rysn

Guest

hers another 1 now these r racist but its funny there both made by one of my friends who is black weird but o well what do u call it when a bunch of mittle eastern people run down a hill mud slide what do u call it when a bunch of white guys run down a hill avalanche what do u call it when a bunch of black guys run down a hill jail break
ok heres another why r black people so fast?
because all the slow ones r in jail

Entree
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Joined: 15 Aug 2005
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Hi again all! I love to make people laugh and I’m so pleased they brightened up your day. I will post more as and when I think of them. In the meantime here is another to keep you going (apologies to all blondes in advance!)

A blonde woman is speeding down the road in her little red sports car when she is pulled over by a woman police officer who is also a blonde. The police officer asks to see the woman’s driving license. The woman starts to dig through her handbag getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?" she finally asks.

The policewoman sighs patiently and replies, “It’s square and it’s got your picture on it."

The driver finally finds a square compact at the very bottom of her bag. She opens it, looks in the mirror and then hands it to the police officer, “Here it is.” she says.

The blonde officer opens it, looks at the mirror, then quickly hands it back, saying
“Okay, you can go - I didn’t realize you were a cop…”

Ladya

Guest

HAHA OMG that was Hilarious ive herd it before, but its sooo funny